Jesus came to turn the hearts of parents toward their
children and the hearts of children toward their parents (cf. Luke 1:17;
Malachi 3:23-24). But social media, although good in itself, can sometimes get
in the way of this saving grace. Not too long ago I was talking to my neighbor while doing some yard work. We
did something that few neighbors do these days: we actually talked to each
other. Imagine that!
My neighbor happens to be the father of two teenage
daughters. And off the cuff, he confided to me that his daughters rarely
give him more than a one or two-word answer to his questions when he comes home
from work; this, because they are spending an unlimited time on their i-phones.
During the conversation, I had wondered why he didn't
leverage his parental authority to improve that situation. In fact, he seemed
resigned to his inability to do anything about it. In any case, I realized that
neighbors are not the only ones that rarely talk to each nowadays. Face-to-face
conversations are also a rarity in many households between parents and
children.
Having witnessed the disengagement of many young people
from adult conversation- not just at people's houses but in public restaurants
-I resolved to spare my family of this dysfunctional pattern. Indeed, this is a
ditch I am willing to die in.
THE VALUE OF BOUNDARIES
Ultimately, the functionality and contentment of a family rests, in large part, on how well they communicate with one another and with God. And as for children and adolescents, effective communication skills rehearsed and developed at home shapes how they will interact with people in their adulthood years. But learning the value of face-to-face interaction cannot be done without firm, clear and consistent boundaries.
I can only share with the reader what seems to be working
in my family. There are four boundaries principles and practices that my wife
and I try to enforce at home with our children. To be sure, providing
boundaries for social media is always a work in progress. Such progress is marked
by setbacks and going back to the drawing board. Yet, we don't give-in or
give-up. To do so would be too costly for our children.
BOUNDARY SUGGESTIONS
Below are suggestions for creating social media boundaries for your children. We have found them to be useful in our household. Hopefully, they will be useful in yours.
1. Privilege, Not a Right
First, it was important for my wife and I to first communicate to our kids that i-pads, i-phones, and even computers are a privilege; not a right. In fact, from time to time, reminders are issued to them that "their" gadgets are really our gadgets. After all, we not only paid for the devices, but we continue to pay the bills to use those devices (i.e. internet, phone plans). Within this clearly communicated context, boundaries and other disciplinary measures are more easily applied.
2. The Main Level
Second, all gadgets, computers, etc. stay on the main level. The truth is that the internet, especially without parental oversight, is a wide open door to the world. As most parents are willing to concede, there are some things in the world that children and teens are not mature enough to properly assimilate. Over exposure to adult content compromises both innocence and impedes maturity. In other words, growing up too fast is often the antithesis of growing up the right way.
Furthermore, it wasn't too long ago that the social life of
teens was confined to the school, sporting venues, their friends houses etc. To
an extent, teenagers were able to leave the drama of their social life at these
different places when it was time to go home. Today, however, a young boy or
girl is inclined to constantly carry this drama around in their hand; even at
home. Just a decade ago, when things got tough at school, a child's
home used to be a refuge; a place where one's social life could be put in
perspective. The question is: Is your home still a place where the social drama
of your children's lives can be left at the door?
3. Time-Limits
With moderation comes time-limits. If truth be told, being overstimulated by social media can cause depression, anxiety, attention deficits and communication breakdown in both children and adults. There can be unintended consequences with overexposure to social media; the effects of which are difficult to trace back to their cause.
Playing video games on X-box, using the computer and even texting friends are all good things. Yet, it ceases to be good when our children can no longer walk away from these things without constantly thinking about them. Time-limits can be helpful in this respect.
4. Adulting with Adults
Lastly, dinner time with family and adult time with company are good "adulting" opportunities for children. "Adulting" is a relatively new term to describe the successful transition from adolescence to emerging-adulthood. Yet, this transition is impeded when children and teens are allowed to retreat in the corner and play with their gadgets; this, when their parents host social gatherings with other adults.
Often, the result from this type of social disengagement is that a discomfort level is developed when such children and teenagers are required to interact with adults outside of their households. Sustained conversations, eye-contact, and reading non-verbal cues has become a real issue among youth. Corporations, universities and even the U.S. military are having to retrain young adults on these basic skills.
This is why social media boundaries are so important within family structures. Such boundaries affirm the inherent good in social media to their children while also affirming the higher good in face-to-face conversations.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Like my neighbor who struggles to communicate with his
daughters, parents want what is best for their children. They want their
children to thrive as they emerge into adulthood.
As for Christian parents, they want their children to eventually make a decision to follow Jesus. Yet, if children are not talking to their parents, chances are they are not talking to God. Indeed, effective communication skills rehearsed and developed at home shapes not only how they will interact with people in their adulthood years, but how they are currently interacting with God.
If truth be told, the more parents and children engage
in face-to-face conversations, the more their hearts are turned to one
another. This "turning of hearts" between parents and their children
provides that necessary foundation of faith for the next generation!
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"Lo, I will send you Elijah, the prophet, Before the
day of the LORD comes, the great and terrible day, to turn the hearts of the
fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their
fathers."
Malachi 3:23-24
