As one who has given talks at diocesan
engagement encounters and accompanied spouses who have been in distressed
and broken marriages, I have come to learn that fewer people are prepared for
the demands of marriage. What used to be considered common with regard to
marital survival skills, is now something that escapes many couples. Yet, a
relationship with Jesus helps to recover these survival instincts.
One of the advantages of having Jesus Christ as the standard by which we live our lives is that we are more disposed to make sacrifices for loved ones; this, in proportion to the right priorities. Indeed, he gives us life-giving priorities and values to us so that our relationships can prosper. For instance, it is clear from biblical and Church teaching that God should be our highest priority. Second to God, however, is the spouse. Children, of course, are a strong third. Following these three priorities comes the spouse's immediate family i.e. parents, siblings, etc.
By embracing these Christian values, we better understand what ditches are worth dying in. Yet, I am amazed how many married spouses want to please, as their highest priority, their own mother, father, brother or sister; even against the wishes or well-being of their own spouse.
How many times have I heard a husband (or wife), for the sake of "peace," not get involved when his spouse is being verbally abused or infringed upon by his immediate family member? How many times have husbands or wives failed to mediate the concerns of their spouses to their own family members? And when I say "mediate", I mean defend the legitimate concerns and the best interests of his or her spouse.
This is not to say that the likes and dislikes of one's spouse is an absolute or beyond reproach. It's just that if the spouse does have a legitimate concern with the encroachments of the in-laws or if there is any doubt in this regard, the benefit of the doubt should be given to the spouse.
Marriage implies that a man and a woman graduates, if you will, from the family he or she grew up in; this, order to become "one" with him or her spouse. This oneness is an indissoluble union- composed of two distinct personalities -that God himself has fused into one thing! Indeed, this union, according to two thousand years of Catholic teaching, becomes- second only to God -the highest priority for the married couple. Anything that threatens that unity is suspect; including an overreaching mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law or sister in-law.
I am especially critical towards men because I believe in Western Civilization they have become too passive with their spiritual and relational responsibilities. Yes, I am traditional! As such, I believe they should be the first to sacrifice and the first to take action when their wives are threatened. Men often boast of laying down their lives for their spouse and children if, God forbid, an intruder should visit our home late at night. But when it comes to defending the legitimate claims of his wife against the overreaching tactics of his mom or dad, a lot of men shrug off this responsibility. Unfortunately, this is how many wives learn how to resent their husbands!
No doubt, women can be equally guilty of this dereliction of duty. It's common with both husbands and wives. And the reason why this third-party threat is so common to married couples is because no one likes to be told what to do; even family members who are gently and diplomatically "put in their place". But when these lines are not drawn in the sand, the person who we are closest to suffers the most.
In any case, not standing up for number one, namely, one's spouse, is symptomatic that we have lost sight of the proper order of things. Moreover, many of us are not accustomed to make the proper sacrifices needed in order to keep marriages intact. But doing that which is pleasing to God often involves displeasing at least some people who are among us.
Perhaps, this is why Jesus said, "Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." (Luke 12:51-53)
Notice Jesus did not draw the line of division between husband and wife. There is a reason for that! He will not divide what he has united. But in the natural order of growing up, there comes a time when a person separates from mom, dad, brother or sister. Again, second to God, spouses come first in a marriage; even if it means clashing with other family members! So, stand up for the number one person in your life and let everyone else adapt accordingly.
One of the advantages of having Jesus Christ as the standard by which we live our lives is that we are more disposed to make sacrifices for loved ones; this, in proportion to the right priorities. Indeed, he gives us life-giving priorities and values to us so that our relationships can prosper. For instance, it is clear from biblical and Church teaching that God should be our highest priority. Second to God, however, is the spouse. Children, of course, are a strong third. Following these three priorities comes the spouse's immediate family i.e. parents, siblings, etc.
By embracing these Christian values, we better understand what ditches are worth dying in. Yet, I am amazed how many married spouses want to please, as their highest priority, their own mother, father, brother or sister; even against the wishes or well-being of their own spouse.
How many times have I heard a husband (or wife), for the sake of "peace," not get involved when his spouse is being verbally abused or infringed upon by his immediate family member? How many times have husbands or wives failed to mediate the concerns of their spouses to their own family members? And when I say "mediate", I mean defend the legitimate concerns and the best interests of his or her spouse.
This is not to say that the likes and dislikes of one's spouse is an absolute or beyond reproach. It's just that if the spouse does have a legitimate concern with the encroachments of the in-laws or if there is any doubt in this regard, the benefit of the doubt should be given to the spouse.
Marriage implies that a man and a woman graduates, if you will, from the family he or she grew up in; this, order to become "one" with him or her spouse. This oneness is an indissoluble union- composed of two distinct personalities -that God himself has fused into one thing! Indeed, this union, according to two thousand years of Catholic teaching, becomes- second only to God -the highest priority for the married couple. Anything that threatens that unity is suspect; including an overreaching mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law or sister in-law.
I am especially critical towards men because I believe in Western Civilization they have become too passive with their spiritual and relational responsibilities. Yes, I am traditional! As such, I believe they should be the first to sacrifice and the first to take action when their wives are threatened. Men often boast of laying down their lives for their spouse and children if, God forbid, an intruder should visit our home late at night. But when it comes to defending the legitimate claims of his wife against the overreaching tactics of his mom or dad, a lot of men shrug off this responsibility. Unfortunately, this is how many wives learn how to resent their husbands!
No doubt, women can be equally guilty of this dereliction of duty. It's common with both husbands and wives. And the reason why this third-party threat is so common to married couples is because no one likes to be told what to do; even family members who are gently and diplomatically "put in their place". But when these lines are not drawn in the sand, the person who we are closest to suffers the most.
In any case, not standing up for number one, namely, one's spouse, is symptomatic that we have lost sight of the proper order of things. Moreover, many of us are not accustomed to make the proper sacrifices needed in order to keep marriages intact. But doing that which is pleasing to God often involves displeasing at least some people who are among us.
Perhaps, this is why Jesus said, "Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." (Luke 12:51-53)
Notice Jesus did not draw the line of division between husband and wife. There is a reason for that! He will not divide what he has united. But in the natural order of growing up, there comes a time when a person separates from mom, dad, brother or sister. Again, second to God, spouses come first in a marriage; even if it means clashing with other family members! So, stand up for the number one person in your life and let everyone else adapt accordingly.
